Day 0-The Struggle Is Real

 I've been listening to an audiobook called "We Are The Luckiest" by Laura McKowan.  I saw it recommended in the Bright Line Eating Facebook page.  It's a heartwarming and captivating story of a woman's journey to a sober life.  I've been sober for 15 years.  I don't talk about it.  In my story, it was something to be shamed for instead of celebrated.  I prefer to keep it on the down low.  

I never really got any formal recovery for my drinking.  I did go to an outpatient treatment program in 2005.  I never went through all of the 12 steps or had proper healing from my childhood trauma.  I'm working on it now with an exceptional therapist, by the way.  I met my husband in 2007.  He is also a sober person.  He actually did an inpatient stay at a facility at the age of 25.  He was my inspiration.  Two years later, my first son was born.  My life changed dramatically.  Between the pregnancy, birth, caring for an newborn, being a newlywed, I felt kind of shell-shocked.  I didn't really want to drink.  I knew in my soul one or two would do nothing for me, so it wasn't worth it.  

Fast forward 15 years to where I am now.  The in between I will write in later blog posts.  Now my addiction has taken the form of the cross addiction of Binge Eating Disorder.  What the actual fuck.  This is the most mind boggling, baffling, frustrating thing to have to recover from.  I would classify it worse than alcohol.  At least with alcohol, I was having a good time.  Until, I wasn't.  Not waking up with terrorizing anxiety from being in a blackout is a plus, or crushing hangovers.  I could go on and on.  My worst drinking was when I lived in the city of Chicago.  I moved to Lincoln Park with my sister in '97.  Then moved to a studio apartment by myself a couple of years after that.  I worked as a paralegal for a lawfirm.  I didn't make any money.  I worked to pay my rent, bills and to drink and go out and get wasted every weekend.  Towards the end of that addiction, I was drinking almost daily, by myself.  Through the grace of God, I am still alive.

Got off course a little.  I like to write. It's cathartic for me.  I started a blog in 2010.  I deleted it all, though.  It was mostly about my experiences being a new mom.  The joys, the sleepless nights, etc.  I wish I didn't delete it.  Anyway, now I am in the throws of food addiction.  My therapist said I need a higher level of care.  I thought about going inpatient.  Not going to fucking happen.  I thought about an intensive outpatient program.  That's not going to happen, either.  I already see a Registered Dietitian every two weeks.  The problem is I'm a very hard headed and headstrong person.  I'm in a program called Bright Line Eating.  It's for food addiction and recovery.  I don't follow it much, though.  I workout every day.  I'm pretty sure that is why I am not obese.  I have weight to lose.  I could be much smaller.  

I come from a long line of addicted brain people.  My biological father died of alcoholism in 2000.  I hadn't spoken to him since I was 12 when my parents divorced.  We were estranged due to his alcoholism.  I grew up in a highly dysfunctional childhood.  I've been seeing therapists and been on and off antidepressants since I was 25.  Bikram Yoga saved my life.  My husband saved my life.   My kids proved to me that love does exist in this world.  

Tomorrow will be my Day 1 attempt with this food recovery thing.  Addiction sucks.